This may be one of the most important blogs I’ve ever written.
When we look at success or failure, we must keep in mind that it is always measured relative to the observer. That is, the individual always determines the nature of such successes or failures within him or herself. You may have a friend who considers you a whopping success, but you don’t necessarily feel that way based upon your own criteria.
Now, “success” must, at its foundation, be considered as whether or not a goal or objective has been satisfactorily achieved. I think that’s something we can all agree on. And don’t we feel positively giddy when that happens!
Now, it’s opposite… This is where this blog is really going to focus, and the aftereffects of how we relate to failure in and of itself. It’s truly something I think each of us needs to take a moment to ponder, for it could be life changing (literally). For some, myself included, when we encounter failure (such as missing the mark on a goal) a cascade of trouble can begin. In terms of personal history, who knows where the response-process was learned, but what must be understood is that many people often equate failure with the belief that, because of not achieving the goal, they are somehow not worthy of love or validity… that because a certain goal was not achieved, the essence of love and validity must be choked or lessened as a result. This may sound startling at first, but it is the truth. It may not be something verbally spoken or overtly thought about at the time, but upon closer inspection of the emotions, this is what happens.
I was flabbergasted to realize I had been doing this to myself nearly all my life. I know I cannot be the only person who would normally react like this, so let’s take a closer look at it and hopefully walk away with much needed transformation.
When you are disappointed, especially at not reaching a goal, how are you responding? For some, they react internally “Because I did not achieve this, I must not be worthy (of love, security, whatever).” Now, this might not verbally run through their head (or perhaps it does!), but it is emotionally felt. As a result, they immediately cut themselves off from feeling those values; from evening attaching those qualities to the nature of their spirit. It’s as if to say love, worthiness, validity, are only acceptable when one achieves satisfactorily a goal or objective.
That is absolute nonsense. Think about these questions:
Just because you failed at a particular goal, are you now no longer worthy of love? For what – the rest of your life? At this very moment? Why? Why is the nature of love, and your ability to have it, tied to the success or failure of any goal or objective?
Just because you failed at a particular goal, are you now no longer a valid spiritual being? Why? Is your validity tied to one particular goal being realized, when you are really multidimensional? Why limit yourself in terms of validity upon any goal or objective? (Hint: You are valid no matter the successes or failures you may perceive within yourself.)
Just because you failed at a particular goal, are you no longer worthy of joy? Again, why?
Somewhere along the line, there are some people who have equated failure or disappointment as being a declaration of unworthiness and/or scorn, thus should immediately “shut off” the spigot of love’s flow into their souls; that somehow such lack of success demanded that one be denied the feelings and connections of love, validity, and joy… And even worse, carry this choked flow into all other areas of their experience, even if it was only related to one small portion of their life.
This was never meant to be the case and it must be stopped.
Upon closer inspection, failure or lack of success is simply meant as a tool for re-evaluation in an effort to engage different probabilities for different creative results. It should not be approached from the perspective of “If I get it right, then I will be worthy of love, validity, and joy – and if not, I must rob myself of these…” and then subsequently let that drought carry over into other areas of life (perhaps unconsciously). Quite frankly, such stark contrast is dangerous to one’s health and sanity (more on that later).
This is not to say it is wrong to feel disappointment. Disappointment is different than shutting yourself off from the life-giving flow of love -- and hence worthiness. If you fail to meet an objective, you may miss out on a hoped-for sense of joy at success, and you may feel bad about it, but that doesn’t mean joy in-and-of-itself is being robbed from you in the wholeness of your life, especially because of one let down (or even many). The same with love. Love is not so conditioned that it is denied from you when you don’t succeed at any particular task. That reaction is a learned conditioned response from childhood, due to peers, parents, or authority figures. It does not come from the universe itself. Perhaps in childhood, the disappointment seen from others in relation to your “failure” made you feel you were not worthy of love or validity (at least from them), or it appeared that their love for you was somehow diminished overall as a conditioned result (though it never really was). Nevertheless, that sense of the spigot slowly closing has drained love’s flow to a trickle after so many years of habitually responding in the same way. This is not to lay blame on anyone from the past; it is simply a result of how you reacted to their perceived disappointment or judgment. However, one’s worthiness to love is not dependent on one’s level of success or failure, and that axiom has clearly been forgotten for some of us.
The “reverse” in this can also be true. For some, failure or lack of success may result in feelings of shame or unworthiness. For others, the inherent sense of shame or unworthiness already existing at their base acts to self-sabotage success. That is, a person is so unwilling to accept love and joy into their experience (“It’s always been this way”) – they feel and tell themselves constantly they are not worthy – that when it comes to a chance at success, they will sabotage it since it does not conform to their sense of self. This self-sabotaging may be completely unconscious at the time, but truly stems from how they really think and feel about themselves. The results become clear. “I am not worthy. I am not lovable.” The joys of success simply do not correspond to those beliefs, so do not have an environment ripe to blossom.
This denial of love, worthiness and validity as it relates to one’s sense of failure can become dangerous to one’s health.
Life is born of love; love is the very reason life flourishes anywhere in the universe. On that, we can say: If you weren’t loved, you wouldn’t have been born into the universe. Period. And that love is unconditional. When we start to turn that love down, deny it from ourselves, or worse turn it off because we think we are not worthy (or that others are telling us we are not worthy), we are denying the life-giving properties of that sacred universal fountain.
Let me be crystal clear on the potential results: it can kill you.
Without love’s affirmation in our lives, we are constantly feeling some sort of pain. This pain will result in arresting the flow of life’s energies through us, which then presents conditions inside the physical body – illnesses, viruses, cancers. These conditions may not happen right away, but usually following years of turning down the spigot. The extreme result of such self-imposed torture can also affect not just the physical body, but also the mind. Mental illnesses also results from prolonged absence and denial of accepting one’s worthiness and validity, if tying those things as conditions to success or failure. In this case, the results may bypass physical illnesses and go straight into depression, spiraling all the way down into suicide. Again, denying one’s innate validity, access to love, sense of joy… can kill you. Take another look at the bulleted questions above and understand the importance of asking them.
It behooves us to re-examine how we handle concepts of failure and success in our lives. Is any such failure worthy of denying one’s self access to love, worthiness, joy and validity – especially if such absence may potentially harm us physically and mentally, to the point of death? This is serious business.
As mentioned earlier, I am quite guilty of this myself. Until recently (as of this writing), if I have not succeeded at a particular task, I would make myself feel like I wasn’t worthy of love or happiness. I many not have told myself that sort of thing in language, but I was certainly doing it through emotional feedback. How about you? Add that up over a lifetime, it boggles the mind and spirit. Perhaps this is one of the lessons I’ve come here to learn?
It’s definitely given me pause. And hopefully also for you, if you have been in the same boat.
Failure does not mean you are not worthy of love, or that you are not valid, or that you should not have access to joy. Again, meaning to repeat myself -- to deny those things within yourself can kill you. Re-evaluate. Think Again. Stop being so hard on yourself.
You are loved. You are not forgotten. No matter your failures. If you have been denying that within yourself, then start feeling that love as soon as you are done reading this. Right now. Stop. Let that love in. Even though you are reading about it, understanding it, even acknowledging it, if you are not letting it in, you are still denying it from yourself (perhaps as a conditioned habitual response). The truth is that such love is there for your life and your experience. It always has been. Do not let any failure take that away from you. Bring it back into your life. The only way to do that, is to feel it. Then never forget it. Live that love, for it is a part of life. Eternally. Never let it go, as it will never let go of you.